For my mid-week new subscribers. But before any newbies proceed, use the link below to read the earlier chapters of the new Teenage Robot story (and other newsletters as well.) And for those that have already read this chapter, scroll to the end for a bonus treat.

https://robrenzetti.com/newsletter-archive/

Jenny Wakeman had been engineered to contend with calamity. But the arrival of Epiphany Crust was one disaster that Jenny had no idea how to combat. In the breaks between her morning classes, she tried to find Jeremy Pistol and Melancholia Adams. But her efforts to reunite the demoralized Doomslayers was fruitless.

At the start of her lunch period, Jen finally found Melancholia hiding in the bathroom. In an effort to comfort her, Jenny explained some of the colorful details of her (pretend) plan for the end of the world. But Melancholia just turned away and pressed her face into the wall tile. “My world has already ended! Epiphany Crust saw straight into my empty soul.” Jenny tried to console her friend, but Mel just cried louder with each successive pat on the shoulder.

Reluctantly leaving Melancholia to wallow and wail, Jenny headed toward the lunchroom, from which more musical sounds were emanating. The students and staff had all gathered in the far corner of the cafeteria. There, Epiphany Crust pranced across a tabletop, strumming her mandolin, and serenading her newfound audience. When the song concluded, Piff took a low bow, and Jenny figured that the students would line up to buy lunch. 

But then Piff began strumming again, and her audience remained captivated. Another song followed, then another. When the bell signaling the end of lunch clanged, Piff had just begun a second encore. The students voiced their disappointment loudly as the staff hustled them out of the cafeteria. And although Jenny's fellow students departed with empty stomachs, she had never seen most of them look more fulfilled.

Epiphany’s charm offensive continued in Jenny’s social studies class, where Mr. Smellhaus invited Piff to share about her home country. Epiphany filled the period with a talk centered on the major roles various members of the de Crosta family had played in important historical events. Jenny’s ocular servos would need oiling after all the eye rolling she’d done, but everyone around her seemed enthralled by Piff’s story. 

The rest of Jenny’s afternoon classes were mercifully Piff-free. But even though Epiphany Crust was physically absent, she was all anyone could talk about. Jenny hoped that the excitement generated by the vibrant exchange student’s arrival would wane as students settled into their new classes and extracurricular activities.

It didn’t. If anything, the school-wide obsession grew more fervent with each passing day. The students seemed bowled over by how lovely and kind-hearted Epiphany was and how she made time to talk with everyone, no matter how low they were in the pecking order. Only Jenny appeared to notice the frequency with which a student’s appearance and demeanor shifted after a one-on-one with Piff. By the time Friday rolled around, half the student body was dressing and styling their hair to mimic Epiphany, including Jeremy, who was nearly unrecognizable without his blue spiked hair, now brown and straight. 

Jenny blew her final fuse on Friday. When she arrived for lunch, Epiphany’s now daily musical performance was underway. Jenny spotted Brit and Tiff running a booth selling concert shirts, lapel pins, and other assorted Piff merchandise. Enough was enough. It was time for a battle of the bands.

Jenny jetted up onto the stage and landed in front of Epiphany, interrupting a rather soulful ballad that had left some of the audience dewy-eyed. The teenage robot transformed into her urban cowgirl outfit, complete with cowboy hat, spurs, and guitar. Hand poised above the strings, Jenny declared, “You ain’t heard nothing yet,” then gave the guitar a mighty strum.

The crowd cried out, not because Jenny had pulled on their heartstrings, but because she’d endangered their lives. The robot had forgotten that her guitar emitted more than just music. Before she could finish her opening riff, the lunchroom was rife with laser blasts. Once she’d ended the unintentional onslaught, Jenny was promptly booed off stage by the uninjured but upset students.

Jenny was at her electrical wits’ end. She knew that Epiphany’s apparent kindness was a big act, but everyone else at Tremorton High seemed to have bought into it. She’d even seen Brad and Sheldon queued up at the Crust Cousins’ Piff merchandise booth! She was desperate to vent, both emotionally and physically. (Her internal temperature was becoming dangerously high.)

She was so desperate that she sought out someone she’d never normally turn to.

Tucker Carbuckle.