The audience at the Tremorton High talent show coughed their lungs out. Jenny Wakeman, thankful to be lung-free, retracted and stowed the jet-powered airfoils she’d used to first wow the crowd and then gas them. The noxious plume of black smoke she’d accidentally unleashed hung stubbornly in the air until she transformed her hands into twin fan blades and blew the cloud away.
When he finished choking, Brad Carbuckle spoke into the mic. “Thanks Jenny, for getting rid of the stink cloud, that, uh, you created. Which in no way should detract from your otherwise amazing aerial performance! That ended so badly. Let’s hear it for Jenny Wakeman!”
As Jenny slunk away she heard faint clapping from a few, hoarse coughing from many, and frantic writing from Epiphany Crust, who sat just offstage, scribbling furiously in her bedazzled lyrics notebook. Before Jen could telescope her eyes far enough to get a good look, Piff ran over to confer with Brit and Tiff. They snickered ominously.
Onstage, Brad announced, “The next, and last, contestant in this year’s talent show is none other than that South American songstress — Epiphany Crust!”
Rumor had it that Piff would deliver a highly choreographed spectacle, complete with laser lights. So the students nudged each other in confusion when she took the unlit stage, humming and softly strumming her acoustic guitar. Using her internal music database, Jenny identified the tune as “The Girl from Ipanema.” But as Piff sang, she modified the lyrics for Jenny’s maximum mortification.
Tall and pale and young and chunky The girl who is a robot comes flying And when she passes, each one she passes goes — HUH?
She strummed a little harder and sang a little louder.
When she flies, she's like a crop duster With wings and fuel and spray so rancid That when she gasses, each one she gasses goes — AGGH!
The crowd laughed as Piff uttered a strangulated sound that was both comic and melodic. From the sidelines, Brit tossed an electric guitar to her cousin. Swiveling her acoustic guitar around to her back, Piff caught the electric and continued the song without missing a beat.
Ooh, But I watch her so sadly
How can I tell her to stop it
Why would she fart oh so badly
And each day when she emits that stench
I wish she would crash in a trench
Piff sang more and more loudly to be heard over the burgeoning laughter. Tiff activated the laser light show, and the pep squad joined in, dancing in the background. Cranking up the guitar's volume, Piff had to belt out the final verse to be heard over an outpouring of adulation as the audience applauded and cheered. The once gentle ballad had been transformed into a raucous anthem.
Tall and pale and young and chunky The girl who is a robot comes flying And when she passes, all laugh — but she doesn't see
She just doesn't see
She’s oh so silly
The judges agree
No reason to plead
Defeat guaranteed
Epiphany Crust ended with a jazzy guitar lick as fireworks exploded behind her.
Clean-burning, smokeless fireworks. There was no coughing, just thunderous applause. The crowd and judges rushed the stage, lifted Piff, and carried her away. In minutes they were all gone.
As was Jenny’s pride.
To Be Continued . . .
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