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Students scurried through the halls of Tremorton High, blissfully unaware of the different lives they had led in Alternaverses 1 through 7 before Jenny Wakeman had pushed the Quantum Kaleidoscope’s RESET button and returned everything to normal. And although Jenny had been the architect of those alternate realities, even she was having a hard time remembering all the divergent destinies she’d foisted on her fellow students in a desperate attempt to avoid humiliation at the hands of the three Crust Cousins. 

“Hands,” mused Jenny. The image of ten-fingered human hands was something she would always remember, no matter how hard she tried to wipe it from her memory banks. “Blech.”

“What was that, Jen?” said Brad. He and Sheldon caught up with Jenny as she walked to their first class.

“Nothing. Nothing,” replied Jenny. “Just thinking about what a bad idea it would’ve been to use the Quantum Kaleidoscope.”

Sheldon said, “Were you able to sneak it back into your mom’s underground vault?”

“Yeah. Tuck showed me how to navigate the air vents. In exchange, he wanted me to alter reality so that he had ice breath and tentacle arms. But I bargained him down to a month of strawberry milkshakes at Mezmer’s and a trip to the aquarium.”

Brad groaned. “Please make sure he doesn’t dive into the shark tank again.”

Jenny smiled. “Will do.”

Sheldon lingered in the classroom doorway. “Speaking of sharks, the predators of Tremorton High are on the attack.”

Brit and Tiff hurtled down the hall, straight toward the vice principal’s office. Jenny said, “Glad they’re gunning for Razinski and not me.”

The three friends took their seats as the bell rang. Brad said “Yeah. But where’s Piff?”

There was a crackle from the PA and then Brit’s voice came through, crisp and clipped. “Good morning, lower life forms. We’re preempting Vice Principal Razinski's normal, boring announcements for an extra special presentation.”

Tiff’s voice broke in. “That’s ‘cause our cuz, Epiphany, is performing live on the radio. Right. Now.” 

Brit returned. “We’re going to patch into the broadcast and listen to her sing her soon-to-be-a-smash-hit. The one that takes aim at a certain self-important robot. Hope you’re out there listening, Jennifer . . .”

Here it was — the moment of doom the teenage robot had gone to such world-changing lengths to avoid. Epiphany Crust’s humiliating song about Jenny was about to be broadcast far and wide.

Brad leaned over and whispered, “Try to put on a brave face, Jen.”

Jenny whispered back, “Can’t. Left my other facial plates at home.” 

Another crackle and another voice, this one, deep, smooth, and swift, said, “Aaaand were b-b-back from our break on the Mighty Quake! 109.999 FM! I’m Ra-Ra-Ramblin’ Randy and I’m just d-d-dandy this morning, because I’m joined by a very special guest. Here to sing and record ‘The Girl Who Cried Robot’ is Epitome Trust!”

Piff piped up, sounding a bit thrown. “Um, that’s—"

“Oops! That’s Epiphany Crust and the song is “The Girl Who Is a Robot.” Kind of weird grammatically, but okay. Epiphany, it’s great to have you on the Mighty Qua-Qua-Quake!”

Piff said, “It’s great to—"

“But we are run-run-running late! So why don’t you grab your weird looking guitar there and let our thousands of listeners hear what you got!”

“It’s a mando—” 

“Let me stop you right there! My engineer is reminding me that, on the strength of the local popularity of your song, we’ve arranged a coast-to-coast simulcast with sister stations all over the c-c-country! Not thousands, but m-m-millions of people are listening!”

Jenny sunk down in her chair. “Millions?”

Epiphany sounded just as nervous. “Did you say m-m-millions?”

Ramblin’ Randy said, “Are you making fun of my speech? Because my fluency disorder is a documented medical condition.”

“What? No, I —”

“Just k-k-kidding! Yes, I said m-m-millions! Hopefully everyone likes your song as much as little old Tremorton. Otherwise, you’re going to flop in front of those millions! And we are running seriously short on time, so I need you to start singing right n-n-now!” 

There was timid strumming of the mandolin followed by a surprisingly tentative voice as Piff sang, “Tall and pale and young and chunky . . .”  Then a long stretch of dead air, followed by a loud CLANG and a door SLAM.

More dead air. 

“Alright. Well. . . I’m Ramblin’ Randy and for once I’m at a loss for words. Luckily we’re just about out of time. If anyone knows where Epitome Trust ran off to, please tell her to come back and get her weird guitar. We promise we won’t try to make her sing.”

Feedback from the classroom speaker as the connection to the radio station was abruptly cut. There was another door SLAM right there in Tremorton High. Brit and Tiff sped past Jenny’s class and down the hall.

Brit shrieked, “A disgrace! An utter disgrace!!”

Tiff wailed, “It ain’t right, it ain’t right, it ain’t right!!”

The students near Jenny began to giggle. Brad said, “ ‘Epitome Trust’? Sounds like a bank.” The classroom laughed louder at this dumb joke.

Sheldon said, “Well, I wouldn’t ‘bank’ on anything with that girl.” A dumber joke, and yet even louder laughter exploded from the students. Today it seemed, everyone was in the mood to dump on the Crust Cousins.

Jenny smiled as the others continued to laugh. Somehow, without her intervention, Operation Crush the Crusts had still been a success. She softly said, “There’s no alternative universe I’d rather be in.” For the rest of the period, Jenny thought of nothing but the Crust Cousins' public humiliation. The teacher and the day’s lesson were far away.

She didn’t even mind when she flunked the pop quiz.

And that's a wrap on the first new Teenage Robot story since the show ceased production. It turned out a lot longer than I originally anticipated but I had a blast writing it and I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Stay subscribed for more fun stuff, Teenage Robot-related and otherwise, coming soon!